Most mothers, whether they are fertile or not will be able to relate to some if not all of the difficulties I have mentioned in the previous two posts. As mothers, we all love our children unconditionally regardless of how they came to be here. I will never know what kind of a mother I would have become if infertility had not been a part of my life. But I feel certain that the 4 years of trauma and concentrated stress that precluded our arrival into parenthood (without a break for recovery in between!) had a hugely negative impact on our ability to let go and relax into our new and daunting roles.
In the early weeks and months, I was seized by a fiercely protective type of love...the type of love you can't really enjoy because it is so over-shadowed by fear. And to make matters worse, I relentlessly chastised myself for not being in a permanent state of blissed-out euphoria. Becoming a mother is hard, but I made it much much harder for myself by denying myself the right to think or utter any negative thoughts without feeling heavily laden with guilt.
Things have undoubtedly got easier. I still have my really bad days or my just-feeling-a-bit fed-up days...of course! Any mother does. But as the months have passed, I've gradually learned how to trust myself again. As a couple we have learned how to adapt to being in a 3-person relationship with our baby girl. And as a mother, I have learned how to slowly let go of fear to make room for love. Our tiny bundle, once so frighteningly helpless, is now becoming a beautiful little girl - a sheer miracle of life who has taught us how to laugh and smile again. During the IVF, I never allowed myself to imagine this far ahead. And yet, here we are, finally able to believe that this dream is ours to keep.